Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Mystery Man (Dream Man#1)

Title: Mystery Man (Dream Man#1)
Date Published: July 2011
Publisher: Forever
Pages: 528

Gwendolyn Kidd has met the man of her dreams. He's hot, he's sexy, and what started as a no-names-exchanged night of passion has blossomed into a year and a half-long pleasure fest. Sure, it's a little strange that he only appears in her bed at night, but Gwen is so sure he's the one, she just can't turn him away...

Hawk Delgado knows more about Gwen than she could ever imagine. She's gorgeous, headstrong, and skittish about relationships. But Hawk is facing his own demons, demons that keep him from connecting with anyone. Yet when Gwen is drawn into Denver's lethal underground scene, Hawk's protective nature comes out full force. The problem is, when Gwen gets a dose of Hawk's Alpha attitude in the daylight, she's not so sure he's the one anymore....

Oh, do I have a review for this one. I'd like to say that it will be all rainbows and unicorns, but this one is going to get pretty rough.

That being said ... it wasn't a HORRIBLE book ... after all, the premise was pretty interesting: having a relationship with a man for over a year and a half, having only honestly met him once and all other meetings are when he comes to you at night and you (ehem) enjoy each other ... yeah, it's risque but it's interesting. I figured with a premise like that, the book just HAD to be awesome.

Unfortunately, it just didn't hit awesome for me. And I have some extremely nit-picky specific reasons why.

Let's get this show on the road ... I have a lot of ground to cover. Okay ... sometimes there was this weird phrasing in the book ... I don't know if the author was trying to blaze new trails in the literary world or what, but not using pronouns in sentences where they are needed REALLY makes the sentence look like a checklist. And there were a few times when it looked like editing was being attempted ... like someone intended to combine two sentences and instead of removing some words to merge the two, they just literally put them together and removed the period between them. It started off as weird and ended with just being annoying.

Moving on, lets talk about the characters. On one hand, I thought that the character of Elvira was very well established, I loved how spunky/mouthy/sassy she was. She is actually the only character that I felt was ... complete. I didn't wonder anything about her. That could be because of the way she was written - she's a no frills, don't mistake what I'm saying, take it like a man, type of woman. So maybe she commanded that I like her. Now ... on the other hand ... all of the male characters ... had absolutely no depth. It was pretty sad. I didn't understand where any of them were coming from or their motivation or even who in the heck they were. They were just ... shallow. And not shallow = self involved ... I mean shallow = boring. Also, all of the male characters seemed to have been made with a cookie cutter ... they were all so similar. They were bad-asses (the author's word). So they all dressed like a bad-ass and acted like a bad-ass and talked like a bad-ass and combed their hair like bad-asses and walked like a bad-ass and brushed their teeth like a bad-ass. GOT IT! They are all bad-asses. But why?!? For example: Why was Dog a bad-ass? Because he had a gnarly beard? Because he rode a bike? Because he owns an awesome house in the hills? I just don't get it.

Speaking of bad-asses ... if you are truly a bad-ass, would you call yourself a bad-ass? I'm pretty sure that if you're a self-proclaimed bad-ass, then that means you aren't really one. And if THAT is true then this book is full of frauds and that makes it even worse.

Another thing with the characters ... they were all attractive! All I can say is, I want to live in Denver because it sounds pretty amazing. Eye candy on every corner ... every single guy is hot ... with their sultry looks, flowing locks, disarming dimples and manly gaits. There must be some type of secret screening that you have to go through before you can move to Denver ... note to self: look into job specifications for a Denver residence screen-er ...

These last ones, I'm going to list really quickly before this review turns into a novel by itself ... #1. Honey, babe and baby are acceptable nicknames but when every character is called that, it becomes a bit confusing and annoying, honey. #2. Sometimes, the phrases that the bikers used was weird ... for example: "She is in residence now" ... they sound like the military and while that goes with the pic of dog-tags on the cover, the rest of their vernacular just didn't mesh with it. #3. Hearing the phrase "Sorry I cut you" has a different connotation here in Texas ... it means that you cut someone ... with a knife, or a chainsaw or you shanked them ... maybe on accident. In the book, it means that you hurt them ... cut seems pretty specific when you're not actually cutting someone ... #4. No self-respecting 33-year-old says "yowza". Ever. #5. If you're a dude and your dad hits on your girlfriend, maybe by saying that she has a nice ass ... IN FRONT OF HER ... you punch him in the face and leave. You don't chuckle. That was freaking weird.

Last but definitely NOT least, we are going to play a game. It's called Never Have I Ever. It's easy to play, you say "never have I ever" and then name something that you have or haven't done. If any of the players of the game have done it, you have to hit yourself in the face with a book ... preferably one of those hardback editions of the Websters Dictionary that has been sitting on your parents bookshelf for the past 30 years. Now, I get to go first because it was my idea ... and this is really my show right now ... okay ... Never have I ever ... used the word SQUISHY more than 20 times in a book ... unfortunately, at this point, Ms. Kristen Ashley (the author of this book) would have a big knot on her forehead.

Oh, I almost forgot!! The book did have one major redeeming quality ... the characters were Denver Broncos fans. Almost boosted my rating to a 4 star ... then I saw another sentence with the word "squishy" in it ... bumped it back down to a 3 star.

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